Hung out with Ahmed (with sheesha pipe in hand on the left) tonight. He has some connection to the scuzzy hotel we're staying in, but despite the fact that the rest of the people who work at the hotel make my skin crawl, Ahmed is the best person I've met in Luxor. In fact, he may be the only decent person that I've met in all of Egypt.

He seems to know all of the street kids and deals with them in a way that reminds me of an affectionate father. He is also the only person who has touched me in Luxor who didn't make me want to run and shower the psychic filth off of my body. He touched me with the same warmth and affection he shows the street kids. I didn't sense any sexual overtones in his touch -- more like rumpling my hair and holding my hand to cross the street.

He is outraged by what Sayid is charging me and repeatedly tells me I must get out of there and triple check all of my things before I go. He and I have spent long hours in his favorite coffee shop hang out in the last few days. He bought me drinks and would not accept a single piastre from me. Naima has been to his home for iftar (break fast for Ramadan) and said that he is quite poor, yet he's given me more than anyone else I've met in Egypt and doesn't seem to want anything in return. Why?

In the coffeeshop this evening around 10:30pm, some men were playing dominos (a favorite Egyptian coffeeshop past-time.) A child of around age 5 or 6 was sitting near them. I didn't see what started it, but one of the men got up and hit the child. I asked Ahmed to tell me what was happening. He told me it was the boy's father who hit him. The boy wanted to go home and the father was too busy playing dominos and lived too far away. I asked Ahmed if this was normal (translation: does this happen often in Egypt?) and he said, "not normal and wrong" but shrugged. I told him that it made me sad. He suggested I give the boy 50 piastres. I didn't understand and thought the father might get angry at me, but Ahmed insisted that it would be a good thing to do.

I self-consciously walked over, touched the child gently on his arm and asked if he was okay. I don't think he understood me, but I hoped that my tone would carry my meaning. I tried to give him the money and used the word that Ahmed told me to use, but he just shook his little head and continued to sob. It tore at me and I didn't know what to do. I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Meanwhile, his father was still playing dominos and some of his domino partners periodically were coming over to poke at the boy and shout some forms of who-knows-what encouragement at him. I tried to soothe him and patted him a bit more but I was afraid that if I sat there any longer, I'd lose it.

I'm writing this while sitting on a train heading back to Cairo and crying my eyes out for all of the pain in this world and all of the poor tired donkeys. I have so much and so many people have so very little. I am so blessed while so many others live in filth, poverty, sickness, and pain. I don't know how to come to terms with any of this. I've seen so much beauty and vitality in this country but I've also seen enough pain and despair to last a lifetime. I wanted to get deeper into the culture. I got deeper all right -- but I'm not sure that it's taken me to places that I want to go.

I'm glad I will be home in a few days. I think I have compassion fatigue, culture shock and homesickness.

Later... Some sleep and I'm not as overwhelmed by sadness as I was. But I'm still trying to make sense of my experiences here. As far as I've penetrated into the culture, I understand it less and less over time. It's like stepping through the looking glass -- I can't determine what's real and what's false, who is my friend and who is just sucking money off of me, what's normal or even what's right, moral, or proper. I don't have any landmarks here and my own cultural frame of reference just doesn't work. I've tried to keep an open mind and tried to develop insight rather than judging. I've tried to understand the culture through Egyptian eyes. I've done a decent job of keeping open to the culture, but it's left me completely confused. Am I in a country full of lying, manipulative sociopaths? Is it an us versus them mentality where it is okay to take advantage of me because I am privileged and they are not? Or is it just business and desperation rather than than something more nefarious? How do I know who to trust? I mostly go by gut instinct and it's mostly served me well, but I constantly question my judgement. A friendly face here does not make a friend.

If I can afford to be taken advantage of, then is it okay? What do I get in return from Sayid? I get a closer look into this foreign culture that I wouldn't get if he wasn't sucking up $45/day from me. I can afford it. He probably also knows that. Yet everyone seems to think he is abusing me.

As clever as I might be at home, I am dumb here.

Kayla